Telling the truth may mean you don’t get to be in control anymore or that people won’t like you as much. They will lie even when it would be easier to tell the truth. They may try to find things other people have done that they see as worse and try to make people focus on that. He lies to avoid those little-kid, getting-in-trouble feelings, as well as "parental" anger and possibly punishment. Allow people to get used to who you are. It was as though she were testing out whether she was safe to be vulnerable. Lying can destroy a relationship, but all lying is not created equally. When we think we are getting to know somebody, we are giving them parts of our hearts. However, getting caught in a lie and confessing a lie are two different things. They may tell more lies to cover their lies, or manipulate by playing the victim. But one Saturday, when Jack’s phone is laying on the coffee table, Kara spies a text message on the screen. These individuals use others as objects, or in the case of pathological liars, do what they do because that is what they do: There's a personality disorder involved. He also may need, if he firmly believes it, to be more assertive about his ex and his view of relationships. Both of them were trying to cover up mistakes.. People will not and should not trust you as much as they did before. If there’s not trust, there’s no relationship. The only thing more important than love in a relationship is trust. And if they’re not, you should confess and find people who are more safe. But this stuff with the ex drives her crazy. You’ve confessed and hopefully apologized and you aren’t beholden to them anymore. I doubted much of what they said.
Some liars use their fabrications to be manipulative - think the worst salesperson in the world, the most seductive person trying to woo you, or the classic narcissist pumping up his own image. The person who lied probably assumed I felt such things, but I didn’t. Sadly, I think both of them began to tell more and more of the truth. Somebody may believe they won’t be accepted if they tell the truth about who they are, so they lie. What really happened was I felt terrible about myself and when somebody makes us feel bad about ourselves, we tend to get hurt and move away. You’re going to feel ashamed and at risk, but you have to go there anyway. Here are the things that lies did to my two relationships: When my friends lied, I felt disrespected and unimportant. The latter will cost you a bit, but you can rebuild quickly. At least they are interacting with the real you. Lying is manipulation, so if a person is a manipulator and gets caught lying, they are most likely going to keep manipulating. Another thing to consider is that the truth might have lost you a small battle, but you’d have won the war because in the long run people would have trusted you. She believes in her heart that Jack is a good guy, and not ethically shady or a sociopath. People who lie for this reason can get better and learn to tell the truth. Once trust is broken, it’s extremely hard to rebuild. But when they lie, we know they’ve actually held back their hearts while we’ve been giving them ours. Kara thinks that the only way out is to get him to be more open and honest. Here’s some places to start. It may take you some time to even understand what the truth really is. Photo Credit: Robert Vitulano, Creative Commons Still I wonder if people who lie understand what they’re doing. It’s an unfair burden, but we all have to face such things. I didn’t think less of them. The former will cost you everything. The problem is that they each get stuck in their thinking. From here on out, be willing to suffer the slight, daily consequences of telling the truth. I think some people want grace and certainly they can get grace, but when we lie, we make the people we are lying to feel badly about the relationships and about themselves. This may be hard for her to swallow, but if she can try this thinking out, it may help her heal her old wounds. Cloud and Townsend warn that we need to stay away from these people. Henry Cloud and John Townsend say people lie for one of two reasons. What now happens is the setting up of a dysfunctional cycle. Both partners try do the best they can. Jack does his best to step up and speak up, even though he internally fears Kara's wrath, to help her learn to trust him. That won’t work, because it becomes a power struggle with each pressuring the other to do what they want. The cycle is this: Kara gets hurt, leading to anger, leading to attack, leading to Jack lying; or: Jack anticipates Kara’s reaction and lies, leading to Kara getting angry, leading to confirming Jack’s fears, leading to Kara’s fears being validated. I thought less of my friends. Until they do, however, it’s impossible to connect with them, all the same. They need to put their heads down, resist the urge to keep score, and then look up after three or six months and see where they are at. Here’s what didn’t happen. Some people lie simply because they are selfish. For his part, Jack obviously needs to do his best to step up and be honest, behaviorally overriding his little-kid, anxious brain yelling at him to keep quiet. Don’t expect the relationship to be the same.If the person doesn’t forgive you, just know you can move on. So he contacts his ex, but doesn’t tell Kara, because he is already wired to fear blowback. It’s not important that everybody like you or approve of you. And he needs to step up in this way even in those times when Kara's anger gets the best of her. When I found out the extent of one of the lies, I felt like a fool. You can see how religious communities that use shame and fear to motivate might increase a person’s temptation to lie. The point is that he has not been honest. I knew they were willing to “cheat” in relationships. To be sure, somebody who lies has a lot of other stuff going on and it’s not so easy to come clean. People are much more kind and forgiving than you think. He needs to keep his eyes on the prize - learning to stop being so afraid, learning to be an adult, learning to confront and emotionally manage someone else’s strong reactions. This goes nowhere, because "anxious-Jack" will then start arguing about exactly that - the content: She texted me first, and I was just trying to be courteous, etc. Kara puts her head down and focuses on containing her feelings because she wants to help Jack learn to step up and be honest. For a liar to change, they need a lot of help. As much as I wanted to forgive them, and feel like I did and have, interacting with them was no longer the same. She just told me “part” of the truth. This is less about Kara and more about Jack's coping mechanisms. The first is out of shame or fear. It’s not that you don’t love them or care about them, it’s just that you can’t connect. Again, without meaning to, she’d made me feel bad about myself because I felt like somebody who could be conned. He needs to calmly make his case that while he is aware that his texting bothers Kara, it is part of his values not to cut people off; his contact with his ex doesn’t mean that he still is in love with her or that he loves Kara less. Personally, I think people like this are pretty rare, but I agree, we simply can’t depend on them emotionally or practically. I felt like I couldn’t trust them. She sees it is from his ex and then opens his messages to find a long trail of texts between them. This means Kara doing her best to not get angry: When her fear and hurt are triggered, she needs to calmly talk to Jack - about her feelings, rather than his actions - and show him evidence of his lying, so he doesn’t just blow it off. Each is trying to solve the problem by getting the person to change. This may take some time for you. When this happens, it triggers Jack’s worst fears. Trust is the soil love grows in. Kara may have her own above-average sensitivity to trust and honesty from her childhood or previous, and possibly unfaithful boyfriends - it may now be part of her mental DNA. They didn’t seem to care about me or trust me enough to tell the truth.
The Devastating Power of Lies in a Relationship. She is furious, and when Jack walks back into the room, she begins interrogating him about what she’s discovered. This made me feel lonely and dumb. This is what Kara is dealing with. The problem here is not the ex, but his own anxiety about Kara’s reaction. This made me feel bad about myself, as though I were not important or trustworthy enough to be told the truth. The couple could fight this battle for. When I found out things were worse than she’d made them seem, I felt tricked and deceived. Lying to somebody communicates the opposite. His brain is telling him that he was right all along: Telling the truth is not safe, and he actually needs to get at being secretive and withholding. Without trust, there’s no relationship. I certainly had grace for their mistakes, but I’ve wondered looking back if I didn’t have grace for their lies. When we lie, we are stealing social commodity without having earned it.
Money lies that can destroy your relationship - Business.. Kara needs to not react so strongly to Jack’s evasive behavior. If she can't, they both are fulfilling the purpose of dating - taking the risk of being honest in order to discover whether their values are compatible. But in most everyday relationships, lying is situational. While I was angry, I wasn’t angry because I thought they were a bad person. You’re going to have to pay for your lies. These liars are pathological. Again, this is not all about the state of a couple's relationship, but about their long-established coping skills. Relationship lies. You may have to sit down with a pen and paper and write it all down. But now her worst fears have come to the fore, and she explodes. Kara needs to put this clearly on the table: I'm not upset about your ex, but that you lied; it hurts my feelings, and I cannot accept that in a relationship. People can lie their way into power, and in one instance with a friend, she lied her way into moral superiority. They were still thinking of themselves. Going into her relationship with Jack, she is already wired to this and a bit hyper-alert. It’s just that they don’t know how to do it. You’d be surprised at how much less tension there is in your life when you walk openly and honestly. She does her best to not be overly intrusive and to take him at his word. They need to wrestle with forgiving you and that’s now their burden. Obviously, Jack has been lying. Dating has become a joke. Relationship lies. It requires using your power in order to not lose it. When my friends lied, our trust died. If little progress has been made, they can ramp it up by trying couple's therapy - or they can call it quits. Obviously all this not only takes awareness and responsibility, but also courage.
6 reasons you're just not feeling the …. forever, with Kara getting hurt, getting angry, and trying to get Jack to change, and Jack ducking and weaving to keep Kara off his back and avoid conflict. Jack thinks that the only way out of this dynamic is to get her to be less angry. Neither of these two friends are in contact anymore. Your mind will want to lie, but you have to tame your mind. Her changes may alter the climate and that, in turn, may motivate Jack to change his behavior. The key to breaking dysfunctional patterns is both sides changing their reactions. The second kind of liar is less fortunate. The deep connections you’ll make from telling the truth are worth it. Being in a relationship with somebody who lies is tough. Technically, my one friend didn’t really lie. We like people who make us feel respected, cared about and honored