M/f relationship

Now at this point I will be the first to admit that this is not easy. I take responsibility for that.” Again, you need to approach the conversation having already resolved that you can walk away and you’ll be OK. This isn’t about anyone being right or wrong, nor is it about someone being a “good” or “bad” person. In fact, he may never adopt that way of communicating with you, at which point you may decide to limit your exposure to him or break off the relationship completely. In the same way, you can’t be responsible for their emotions, reactions, and actions.  In this article I want to go a little deeper into how to repair a toxic relationship, and how to know if it even can be repaired, or if it’s time to walk away. You can become really clear on your boundaries very quickly. You are the only one with the experience of your emotions and you are the only one who can have control over your emotions. No matter how much you want them to be happy. In my last Ask a Guy article, I discussed the defining features and signs of a toxic relationship. It usually starts out slowly, and before you know it, you are stuck in a toxic relationship that you can’t seem to leave even though you feel totally miserable. If you want things to improve now, then it’s up to you to get the ball rolling. Next, you need to stop engaging in the drama. His negative actions are the spark of conflict, but your emotionally negative reactions are the fuel which catches fire and propels the toxic relationship into full swing. I’m not telling you to leave the relationship, but rather to find the place in your mind where you could picture leaving the relationship and being completely OK. Making each other into an enemy is definitely not good for the relationship… He may not immediately adopt that way of communicating with you if he’s been heavily in the habit of making you into an enemy, blaming you, criticizing you, putting you down, etc. M/f relationship. Understanding the logic of this is one thing, putting it into practice is another. The key point is this:  it is your interpretation of the event and not the event itself that causes the majority of your suffering. This simply isn’t the case. You might love them and want the best for them, but they are the only one who can control their emotions, reactions and actions. In some cases, clear communication and two willing partners can vastly improve the quality of their relationship… sometimes to the point where you’d never know there was ever a problem. No matter how deeply you love them. By reaching a place where you can be OK even if the relationship ends, you are prepared to address the unhealthy dynamic in your relationship without your fear of loss betraying what’s best for you, for him and for the relationship. If you have not found that place in your mind where you can imagine breaking up with this person and still being able to be completely OK, whole and at peace with it… then get there internally first. In order to dissolve the toxic dynamic in a relationship, you must fully realize this truth. Society subtly spreads a poisonous message to women that they are victims who have no control over their emotions. We’ll talk about what a healthy and effective form of caring looks like in a moment. Getting this clarity is not about what one person should be doing or what you deserve. You cannot control these things for them, and therefore, it is impossible to live as if you are at all responsible for their emotions, actions and reactions. Again, to hammer the point home, I’m not saying you shouldn’t. Please, before you begin reading this article, make sure that you have read and understood the previous article entirely. Similarly, they are not the authority on your emotions. Emotional Responsibility So to build on this idea into something you can use to hopefully improve your relationship, I want to introduce a concept I call emotional responsibility. And if it’s not, you can clearly see what needs to be brought on track.   Change the way you see things and you’ll change the way you interpret things.. This applies to both of you… in order for this to work, the relationship cannot be approached from a victim/victimizer perspective. You just need to realize two essential truths: You cannot be responsible for someone else’s emotions, reactions or actions You are completely responsible for your own actions and emotions. You’re ready to proceed once that foundation is in place. The wisest and most effective strategy to communicate with your partner is to always have the best intentions for you, for him, and for your relationship. You, however, will do best to always communicate with him with your, his and your relationship’s best interests in mind since you want to be effective at dissolving the conflict in your relationship and you can only control your actions, not his. They can’t do these things for you, and therefore, it is impossible to expect anyone to be responsible for your emotions, reactions and actions. You know what your intentions are and why you are doing or saying what you choose to do or say. No matter how much you care about them. They can’t create them, they can’t feel them, they can’t address them, they can’t resolve them, they can’t choose to let them go and they can’t choose to be in touch with your inner sense of OK-ness. When you’re willing to walk away if the toxic relationship can’t be improved, then you will finally break the cycle of sacrificing your well-being in order to “keep the peace” in the relationship. Nobody has over your emotions. Instead, it must be approached from the perspective of what’s best for everyone involved, with clear and complete personal emotional responsibility in both people. A few quick disclaimers… First off, I need to make it clear that if you’ve ever been physically hit in your relationship, I urge you to seek out a professional for guidance and support. Instead of reacting to things he’s saying and doing with emotions and drama, you can look at things from a higher level. It might feel like that, but the fact remains that you cannot be responsible for their emotions, reactions, or actions. No matter how much you stress over them.

No matter what, nobody can take that away from you.  Change the way you interpret things and you’ll be able to massively reduce or even remove the suffering in your relationships. I’m not saying that you “shouldn’t” be responsible for his emotions or that he “shouldn’t” be responsible for yours… I’m saying that you and he be responsible for each other’s emotions, reactions and actions. You need to let go of that idea entirely because it is a huge piece of what keeps a toxic relationship in place. If you’ve been in the habit of avoiding conflict and trying to keep the peace, the idea of forming clear boundaries might sound like I’m going to tell you that you need to rock the boat or “put your foot down” or “put him in this place.” Don’t worry. Clear Boundaries Also, you need clarity of your situation and, from there, you need to establish clear boundaries in your mind. They usually start out nice and fun and exciting, giving you just enough happy memories to hold onto when the toxicity starts to creep in. Regardless of what he does, you do not and cannot have any control of him. There is no scenario in which being hit is part of a healthy relationship. You are not a victim You might be in a situation that you don’t want, but you still have control. You are not their savior or caregiver. You can start the conversation by saying: “You’re important to me and I want you in my life. It’s very important that you acknowledge this side of the relationship dynamic because looking at things from a perspective where another person is responsible for your emotions, reactions, or actions is a key ingredient in the toxic relationship.

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. You want to improve things and only you can control you, so in order to start improving things, you’ll need to be the one to take new, bold, decisive action to improve things. I need to take responsibility for my emotions and my actions if this relationship is going to work. As a result, you won’t react negatively to his negative behavior and you’ll stop feeding the toxic dynamic… and there’s nothing more shocking to a person than when their partner stops feeding into a toxic dynamic. You’ve already tried everything else and it hasn’t improved on its own. You always have control because you are the only one who can control your emotions, actions, and reactions. If this is you, I hope you really listen to what I just said and do it now. And no, I am not expecting you to be some kind of emotionless robot… there is a practical and realistic way that you can have this important communication skill in the real world. Next, I want to make clear that I’m a guy who writes my opinion. Now we’re going to talk about action steps to resolve a toxic relationship… or see clearly that it is not able to be saved. It might be a calm conversation or it might get ugly. It doesn’t matter how strongly you feel about them or your relationship remains… nothing will change the absolute fact that you cannot and will never have control over their emotions, reactions, or actions. Letting go of the illusion that you are somehow responsible for their emotions, reactions, and actions might at first feel like you are cutting them off, being emotionally cold, giving up on them, not caring or being cruel.

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. As discussed before, you need to be OK with walking away before you can have this conversation with him. The reason you want to make sure your actions are in your, his, and your relationship’s best interest is because approaching communication from that angle will bring in your sense of clarity and compassion. You can say, “You’re right. This is the healthy form of caring for another person… that is, to always intend to do what’s best for you, him and your relationship. There are some things in this relationship that are deal-breakers for me. What determines if there can be improvement is if, at the end of the conversation, you have an agreement that you are both willing to each take responsibility for your own actions and emotions and not put that on the other person. Relationship stress. Now, notice I used the word “can” up above and not “should”. You know what you are thinking, feeling and saying. Just because you’re not responsible for his reactions doesn’t mean that entitles you to intentionally provoke negative emotions in your partner, nor is it a smart idea. M/f relationship. Having clear boundaries isn’t about being confrontational or assertive or mean… it is simply about being : clear on what you will accept, clear on what you won’t accept, clear in your communication and clear about who is responsible for what.  Speaking personally, it took me years of meditation to improve in this area and, while I’m much better in this area now than I ever was, I still have plenty of room for improvement

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